The jutebag of relation

"I see myself now, faded vision though , less detailed , more blurred, a body with no  energy nor synergy left in it. I was never a misery, nor was i a boon,  i came lived my life here and passed on to what they  say as to eternity, neither did i do anything great nor did i do a heinous crime. I was just , what you can call a quiet spectator of life.

Life has taught me only one lesson to follow and to cement: relations are frivolous . Relations never stood by me neither did i stand with them. The way i sought it out, i was an introvert reclining to oneself  than to others.  Those who read this entry, shouldn't mistake me as a complete sadist or a discreet personality. I was gregarious and a bit garrulous. I have enjoyed every walks of my life, always cherished the company others provided me. I have enjoyed the bliss and the joy , life offered me. Even though, life taught me how unimportant relations are.

People are born here with a whole bunch of relationships to proclaim of. We are not born independent , but with an accompany of many expectations, desires and prophecies.  We meet  quite a number of people who builds with us the bond of relationship  in all walks of life. Relationship here, i mean is not alone blood relations but all those who( are supposed to) play an important role in our life. We meet people of our age, build with them the relation of friendship, do the "hangout" stuffs, bunk classes,  and what not , as time progresses with the promise of "wont part till we die"  friends part up, and finally fade away to the abysmal vista of life.
During  our life's course, deep inside we develop a crush towards a particular person which turns out to be another relation called Love.Some accept the love we have for them , while some dont. Some of them would even claim only to be our "besties" and nothing more or would ask us to wait till time infinity. And we wait , and in the course of waiting we find a person who is 'worthy' of our love .We leave behind our old crush and here a new relation springs up. We share problems, talk along till daybreak, do what we call the make love part and so forth. But a time would come when there starts disturbances in the relation , and slowly we will see the colour and texture of our most cherished relation being washed away.

People always say that  relation with the parent is special. Yes it is , but a time always come, when they leave us behind or we leave them behind, or they themselves go farther away from one another. We have no duty here , just  be a silent witness of what they decide upon , after all we are their progeny and as they always say, do not interfere in your elder's matters.

We grow up , we marry to someone unknown or to  a known who later turns out to be worse than an unknown either by the lack of care we give or by the continuous complaints and blames from their side . In course of time we develop our young ones and they find themselves in the position i described in the former paragraph.

Relations expect us to keep up with the impossible expectations that they would have set for us, and once we fail to keep pace with the same, tears roll out, words spring out from both ends, and finally the bond breaks. When we spectate ourselves , its pretty much funny and peaceful to find how alone we are in this world . At the end its the relief that you get after the pain , that you were set free from ,on carrying the heavy jute bag of relation

My sight got more brighter , and i saw my body down there , a lifeless junk waiting to be buried up, sans relation, sans happiness , sans sorrow  and sans existence. Adieu my friend its been a wonderful life spent with you. I bid the lifeless form of me good bye, with no remorse or sentimentality to feel for my given up life. Its been tough and i fell for it. The great emptiness awaited me...

Without a Spring

Seasons, as they passed by,
the old banyan still, stood strong,
upon its leaf , a golden tinge
and many more there on the flow,

Remember! oh love, those branches ,we swung,
into the Adam's ale,
catching you, along the way,
up from the towering wood

It was autumn as it was,
All was cool and gay,
The banyan sung a merry tune,
choir by the midget birds

Remember oh love! the stories,so told
about the merry and charms
those endless days and the star-filled skies,
that once we yearned, but lost


The Banyan song, passed to the clouds
the force gathering speed
Never did him the spate bother,
Nor did the Thunderbird

Remember oh Love! the rain coming down,
pouring down, from the skies,
the drops, from the branch I swayed on you,
just to see thy smile

The Autumn rain passed as it came,
into the cloak of white
The eternal tree still stood there,
gazing to the frozen Nile

Remembering my love! The seasons we've had
under this banyan tree,
standing still, amidst the fall,
a frozen mind, to the frozen creek

The diary of Ranga

14-08-1992

It is long enough after midnight when am writing this out, may be out of my inner conscience which pricks me for not telling her what I felt , though now I feel it’s too late enough to tell her , yet my mind or rather my conscience is not allowing me to sleep. The same is the case with me as is the case with every one , am in love! and yet I called her my friend, I wanted to tell her how much I longed for her, how much I loved her; instead I talked to her about the weather and the people ; I wanted to hold her to me and say those 3 words and yet those words never uttered from my mouth, I wanted to tell her how much special she meant for me , yet i was not able to..

Days passed ,months passed , years passed and on this day when she found out that I loved her ,that to in the strangest way possible , overhearing me and my friend talking and reading through the last pages of our(me and Ram's) chemistry note books through which we chatted through; almost all periods.
Ram or Ramaswamy is our common friend: both mine and shivanee's.It was as though he was the common chord between me and shivanee, and shivanee was more attached to ram than to me.

So this day 14th august 1992 would have been the most shocking day of her's, for a boy who always told her that he was her friend , a boy who was just a simple classmate for her and who was just the perfect masterpiece of a sympathetic abortive kind would finally turn out loving her.

My last conversation yesterday with her would probably be ringing through her ears now:

"NO! way Shiva ...I told u I am just your friend , don’t bother about people chiding us , don’t get tensed yar"

"Am not tensed Ranga , am disturbed , I can’t help noticing these vexes ,it makes me feel sick you know !To be frank, I even now doubt that you initiated this teasing business"

"What are you talking about Shiva! Am I that much mad to do such a thing! Am your friend yar ,nothing else! NO love nothing..."


Words..they come out from our mouth suddenly, rarely we notice the extent of what we are saying, though it feels nice to say words that console others, to say words that make others believe; but when it comes to reality our position in life would be just the antithetical of what we have said last second. Same is the case with me now, I wonder what she would be feeling now! I longed to call her , but was afraid of her parents and to an extent mine too.
I wanted to call ram , but didn’t have the guts to do that too, i could hear the grandfather clock clicking away..it’s 'tuk' 'tuk' sound which sounded like a warning to me for the that are passing by..

My spirits were down as it had to be, partly because i was sleepy and partly my conscience was pricking me at its best.
Still a question was left in my mind, "Why couldnt she love me?"
The question which every one sided lover wanted to ask and as I am being, the new recruitment into the community didnt wish to break the thread.I know am going to fail miserably here, still i love her endlessly ,long for her unceasingly.

Ranga.

THE LONELY TRAVELLER

Alone I walk through these lonely roads,

The woods beckon me in their autumn leaves,

I walk on through ,without stop

Till the darkness hid the woods from me

I whisper to the darkness, hoping for a reply

To the black velvet surrounding me

Seconds passed, to minutes, minutes to hours

No answer! Nothing! Just plain darkness

Desolation surrounded me for the umpteenth time,

For the umpteenth time I suffered

But I hoped, I hoped for an helping hand

A support, I wanted to have.

The wall was there big and sturdy',

Like a tall edifice in the dark,

The walls i tried to break hurt me,

The more I tried the more i Failed

I must walk now cause the road is long,

The longer it becomes, the lonelier you are

Hopes not diminished ,I walk through these roads

just like the lonely traveller i was before