The diary of Ranga

14-08-1992

It is long enough after midnight when am writing this out, may be out of my inner conscience which pricks me for not telling her what I felt , though now I feel it’s too late enough to tell her , yet my mind or rather my conscience is not allowing me to sleep. The same is the case with me as is the case with every one , am in love! and yet I called her my friend, I wanted to tell her how much I longed for her, how much I loved her; instead I talked to her about the weather and the people ; I wanted to hold her to me and say those 3 words and yet those words never uttered from my mouth, I wanted to tell her how much special she meant for me , yet i was not able to..

Days passed ,months passed , years passed and on this day when she found out that I loved her ,that to in the strangest way possible , overhearing me and my friend talking and reading through the last pages of our(me and Ram's) chemistry note books through which we chatted through; almost all periods.
Ram or Ramaswamy is our common friend: both mine and shivanee's.It was as though he was the common chord between me and shivanee, and shivanee was more attached to ram than to me.

So this day 14th august 1992 would have been the most shocking day of her's, for a boy who always told her that he was her friend , a boy who was just a simple classmate for her and who was just the perfect masterpiece of a sympathetic abortive kind would finally turn out loving her.

My last conversation yesterday with her would probably be ringing through her ears now:

"NO! way Shiva ...I told u I am just your friend , don’t bother about people chiding us , don’t get tensed yar"

"Am not tensed Ranga , am disturbed , I can’t help noticing these vexes ,it makes me feel sick you know !To be frank, I even now doubt that you initiated this teasing business"

"What are you talking about Shiva! Am I that much mad to do such a thing! Am your friend yar ,nothing else! NO love nothing..."


Words..they come out from our mouth suddenly, rarely we notice the extent of what we are saying, though it feels nice to say words that console others, to say words that make others believe; but when it comes to reality our position in life would be just the antithetical of what we have said last second. Same is the case with me now, I wonder what she would be feeling now! I longed to call her , but was afraid of her parents and to an extent mine too.
I wanted to call ram , but didn’t have the guts to do that too, i could hear the grandfather clock clicking away..it’s 'tuk' 'tuk' sound which sounded like a warning to me for the that are passing by..

My spirits were down as it had to be, partly because i was sleepy and partly my conscience was pricking me at its best.
Still a question was left in my mind, "Why couldnt she love me?"
The question which every one sided lover wanted to ask and as I am being, the new recruitment into the community didnt wish to break the thread.I know am going to fail miserably here, still i love her endlessly ,long for her unceasingly.

Ranga.